The year is 2040.
The presidential race is off to a fast start as John “Bradshaw” Layfield, a former pro-wrestler turned neo-fascist firebrand, seems poised to run away with the Republican nomination.
Layfield will likely run against presumed Democratic nominee, Tucker Carlson, a refreshingly moderate candidate who has criticized Layfield’s signature promise to launch every nonwhite person “directly into the motherfucking sun.” Polling indicates that Layfield’s plan is incredibly popular in the Appalachian Wasteland.
“Now I won’t deny that we have a problem here that needs to be addressed,” Carlson says to a crowd of white women at the 2040 MasterCard Women’s March. “But tying them to a SpaceX rocket and launching them into the sun is just a step too far if you ask me!”
Carlson, following the DNC’s platform, would deal with the issue via the continued expansion of ICE extended-care camps that now make up the majority of the state of Arizona.
Around the country, liberal pundits sadly recall a time when American politics were less divided.
“Despite our vast differences, Trump was nowhere near as great a threat to our Democracy as this Layfield fellow,” writes Bret Stephens, who has maintained a steady buzz off of nothing but Michelob Ultras for two decades. “Trump understood how to reach across the aisle when necessary. He even got Pelosi to clap for him!”
Long ago rehabilitated by liberals, Ivanka Trump fondly recalls her father’s good humored nature in an interview with Rachel Maddow.
“I think it’s safe to say we could use another Trump in the White House at a time like this,” says Maddow before cutting to a commercial break.
Far away, off the coast of what was once Little St. James, an ailing Hillary Clinton is sprawled across a fainting couch made of bones.
“Have the radicals been defeated?” asks the former Secretary of State weakly, before suckling the life force from her dwindling reserves of child slaves.
A faceless man checks a nearby monitor where DNC operatives can be seen pressuring democratic candidate Nina Turner into suspending her campaign. Turner, who ran on a radical leftist platform of “not systematically murdering people,” is seen by many as an agitator seeking to steal votes away from the moderate Carlson.
“Yes, ma’am,” the man replies.
“Good,” croaks Clinton as her consciousness fades.
Back stateside, hundreds of Blue Check Twitter accounts are cracking their knuckles in preparation for their daily shift, where they will bully poor people online for wanting food and healthcare while not focusing on the bigger picture.
“We can deal with that after we win this election, but we HAVE to vote for Carlson,” they will write. “He is our only hope of returning back to normal! Don’t you WANT things to go back to normal?!”