A PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN SPEECH THAT WILL HELP YOU SWEEP THE POPULAR VOTE

- - - -

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Thank you very much for inviting me to your wonderful state here in the great heartland of America but also pretty near the coast. It is an honor to speak from this podium, in this storied courthouse, where so many profound legal judgments were handed down that they more or less canceled each other out.

I am a simple man with a Harvard degree and a solid understanding of tractors. When I was a young boy, my father took me on his knee and told me the principle that has guided my life ever since: "Agree with some things, disagree with other things." His was truly the Greatest Generation, along with a few that came before and a couple that have come since.

Why am I running for president of the United States of America? That's a good question, and perhaps there's no good way to answer it. Or perhaps there is a good way to answer it. Either way, it's a good question and I'm glad it was raised.

I want to talk a little bit about our nation's children. Before this speech, a young man named Stanley Exley came up to me. Stanley is a mechanic, a noble profession if there ever was one. Or perhaps he is a chemistry professor, also noble. He was holding his small daughter, Emily, an adorable 3-year-old who was recently diagnosed with leukemia. Stanley is a straight shooter, and he came up to me and asked me a question I'll never forget: "Do you like children?" And I looked him straight in the eye and said, "Yes, Stanley, I very much like children." Maybe that's not a popular opinion, but it's what I believe. And to those of you who would say, "I don't think children are our future," I must reply in the strongest of terms: "I disagree." Sometimes you have to take a stand for what you believe in.

Our country is sharply divided over a war that is being waged in a distant land. My views on this war are clear: it is happening, it is happening in Iraq, and it will continue to happen until it stops. Some people believe we should withdraw all the troops now. Some people believe we should stay and fight until we've established a stable nation. Some people believe we should gradually hand over control to the Iraqi government. I feel blessed to live in a country with so many beliefs.

On the subject of South African apartheid: I strongly, strongly, strongly oppose it. I'm glad it's gone, and I hope it never comes back.

The state of our economy is in flux. Every single day, the stock market goes up or goes down or stays the same. If elected president, I will ask the Federal Reserve to take a good long look at the interest rate and decide whether or not to change it. If elected president, I will create jobs where there are none, and where there are jobs, I will create internships.

Let us take actions that will make people happy.

Let us take actions that will make people healthy or perhaps have the private sector do it.

Let us take actions regarding taxes.

And let us move boldly so that our children and our children's children can look back and say, "I'm glad they moved boldly on this, this, and that."

Thank you.

MIDTERM EXAM ON KELLY, THE WOMAN WITH WHOM MY BOYFRIEND HAD AN AFFAIR

- - - -

Short Answer
(10 POINTS EACH)

1. Use the Reed-Frost formula to calculate how long it will probably take for Kelly to wind up destitute and riddled with venereal disease (round to the nearest year).

2. According to Dante, which concentric circle of Hell is Kelly most likely to end up in?

3. If Kelly had an affair with Zeus, what kind of animal do you think Hera would turn her into?

4. How long do you think Kelly would last in a fair fight with the author of this exam?

5. What if Kelly were blindfolded?

6. What do you suppose Kelly was telling her therapist all that time? Can you even imagine?

Essay
(15 POINTS EACH—CHOOSE TWO)

Heraclitus tells us that Pittacus, when he had Alcaeus in his power, released him, saying, "Forgiveness is better than revenge." Demonstrate how, in Kelly's case, this philosophy is a complete load of crap.

Write a 500-word essay detailing why, for the good of the general public, Kelly should be trapped and humanely euthanized.

Use the ethical theory of deontology to briefly describe how you would respond if Kelly had an affair with your boyfriend. Use the theory of utilitarianism to describe how you would silence any witnesses.

THE NEUROTIC PICKUP ARTIST

- - - -

Are your legs tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day. Just remember to stay plenty hydrated. We are in a bar, and drinking alcohol—though it may seem counterintuitive—can lead to dehydration. After all, it's a diuretic. So if you were running all day and now you're drinking martinis, you could be in danger without even realizing it. Are you having headaches? Is your urine dark? Where are you going?

- - - -

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together. But I'd probably just give you a quick glance and then switch the alphabet back to the correct order. I mean, children today have enough to worry about without us changing the alphabet on them.

- - - -

What's that in your eye? Must just be a twinkle. But if it is in fact a piece of glass, we've got a problem. Corneal abrasions can be painful, let me tell you. Someone get me some water, we'll try to flush it out. Now blink a few times. That's it. Work with me here, it's better just to be safe.

- - - -

You must be a heck of a thief, because you stole my heart from across the room. I'm not going to report it, though, because our state is pretty tough on theft. A little too tough, if you ask me. And the rate of recidivism, particularly for stealing, is chilling. We need reform.

- - - -

You must be a light switch, because every time I see you, you turn me on. And I'm not so sure that's a good thing, what with global warming and all. I try to leave the lights off as much as possible, and definitely if I'm not in the room at the time. I even shut down my computer every night. You'd be surprised how the little things can make a big difference. Have you used those energy-efficient light bulbs?

- - - -

If you were words on a page, you'd be what they call "fine print." Now, that's not to say you are the much maligned and oft-ignored small-print disclaimer that the legal department of many companies slip in toward the bottom of their ads to stipulate the limitations of their offers. I was just using a little wordplay with "fine."

- - - -

Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you. Do you have any hydrogen peroxide? Maybe one of those alcohol wipes? I don't want my knee to turn into a festering cesspool of bacteria. And I definitely don't want to get blood on that pretty dress of yours.

- - - -

What time do you have to be back in heaven? I'm not suggesting you're dead or that you look dead or even that you believe in the afterlife. I was just referencing the widely accepted notion that heaven (regardless of the religion) is a utopia. And since a utopia is a perfect place and everything in it is perfect, I just thought you'd be from there.

- - - -

Do you have a map? Because I keep getting lost in your eyes. When I come into a little money, I swear I'm going to buy one of those GPS navigation systems. I get so frazzled when I lose my bearings and then things snowball because I'm totally disoriented and I get more and more lost. Hold me, I'm scared.

OFF-DUTY SITUATIONS IN WHICH AN OFFICER OF THE LAW MIGHT USE HIS FANCY POLICE-REPORT JARGON TO IMPRESS PEOPLE

- - - -

I.

On a Date

Lisa, when I first observed you, I was promptly alerted to what a beautiful Caucasian individual you are. Your medium height, civil and polite manner, and fully alert hazel/green eyes indicated to me that you were a pleasant and nonthreatening female citizen. Initially, it was brought to my attention that you were in the company of another male party, in his mid-20s, and this caused me to abandon my pursuit and exit the premises (Cherry Hill Mall) without incident. However, you were subsequently spotted on a separate occasion without the male Caucasian party in question. At this time, I was able to execute a series of maneuvers that enabled me to detain you for a routine exchange of verbal communication. Upon further questioning, I was able to ascertain that you have been harboring certain feelings for myself. In light of your confession, I would like to articulate at this time that I am in possession of similar emotions for your person.

II.

After a Poetry Reading

The manner in which the individual has rendered these statements, freely and without signs of coercion, leads me to believe that the individual is in possession of moderate quantities of artistic and literary talent. I further noted on this occasion that the individual verbally articulated items of an explicitly personal and sexual nature. These confessions were relayed calmly and in nonrhyming verse. At the conclusion of this incident, it was my determination that this matter warranted further inquiry, so I approached the individual from the left. Words were exchanged, and it was indicated to me that this particular approach was utilized for purposes described by the party as "subversive galvanization of the soul." I suggested at this point in time that the individual might proceed in the future by perpetrating a rhyme of "modem" to accompany the word "scrotum." This advice was politely noted by the individual.

III.

While Selecting a Puppy
for a Nephew's Birthday

It was my initial assessment that the puppy on the left had been displaying violent behaviors toward the adjacent puppy in this enclosure. The perpetrator, known here as Puppy A, was observed forcibly biting Puppy B about the head, neck, and hindquarters. Striking with paws was also noted. The injuries sustained by Puppy B do not appear to be life-threatening, but warrant ongoing observation. Puppy A, which appeared to be without remorse for the earlier fisticuffs, then proceeded to excrete feces onto the cranium of Puppy C, which had been quietly occupying the northeastern sector of the aforementioned puppy enclosure. It was my further observation that this puppy, Puppy A, exhibited a dullness of coat, eyes, and temperament that is characteristic of illicit puppy-tranquilizer use. I proceeded to question Puppy A regarding the specific behaviors I had observed, as well as the overall manner in which this individual presented its person. Puppy A indicated to me at this time that he had been in receipt of certain canine anesthetic agents, legal for use by veterinarians, following a neutering operation. This information was corroborated by other puppies in the enclosure. I did not note any coercion on the part of Puppy A to elicit this corroboration. At this time, I opted to secure and transport Puppy A for the purposes of companionship and recreation pertaining to the young nephew of this officer.

Food Porn

Mexican Style Pickled Carrots

For the taco to really hit the spot, and not leave me lonely and forlorn, a mix pickle of carrots, radishes and jalapenos is essential.

For something that is so darned easy to whip up and so vital to the taco experience, why more restaurants refuse to have it on hand is well beyond my simple reasoning. Any ideas?

You on the other hand, my fiery little friends, can rest easy now that this recipe is on hand and ready for action…try it and revel in the simplicity of the crunchy, spicy, piquant, herbaceous perfection that goes so well with just about anything (and makes a delightful and unexpected side dish when in a pinch…) and of course…enjoy


4 large carrots, peeled and sliced on an angle
1 bunch radishes, washed and quartered
1-2 large jalapenos (more if you really like spicy), sliced into thick rounds
1 clove garlic, sliced thin
1 teaspoon Mexican oregano
1 small white onion, minced
1 cup white vinegar
1 cup water
½ teaspoon sugar
2 teaspoons salt


Toss together the carrots, radishes and jalapenos and fit into a large glass container (with a lid)

In a large sauce pan, combine the garlic, oregano, onion, vinegar, water, sugar and salt. Bring to a simmer for two minutes.

Carefully pour the vinegar mixture over the carrot mixture until it covers all the vegetables, and allow to cool on the counter top. (Leftover liquid should be discarded) When cool, cap and refrigerate for at least 3 hours. Can be kept for up to two months.

Yup, it’s that easy.


Makes 1-½ cups of fantastic.

Suggested Edits to the Movie 300

SUGGESTED EDITS
TO THE MOVIE 300
FOR THE DVD RELEASE OF
300: THE DEFINITIVE,
HISTORICALLY ACCURATE
CUT.

- - - -

Edit One

Original:

PERSIAN OFFICER: Spartans! Lay down your weapons!

KING LEONIDAS: PERSIANS! COME AND GET THEM!!

Revised:

PERSIAN OFFICER: Spartans! Lay down your weapons!

KING LEONIDAS: PERSIANS! First, I note that your speaking these words to me face to face strikes me as odd, given how such deliberations concerning détente would generally be handled by way of written correspondence between commanders, as opposed to direct discussions among field officers! Second, I say to you that, though our battle uniforms have been pared down to an unthinkably inefficient yet symbolically selfless and heroic combination of helmet, cape, sandals, and leather skirt, we still menacingly hold forth our metal swords and spears and say to you: COME AND GET THEM!!

Edit Two

Original:

PERSIAN EMISSARY: A thousand nations of the Persian Empire will descend upon you. Our arrows will blot out the sun.

STELIOS: (Laconically.) Then we will fight in the shade.

Revised:

PERSIAN EMISSARY: A thousand nations, hyperbolically speaking, of the Persian Empire will descend upon you. Our arrows will blot out the sun.

STELIOS: (Laconically.) Then we will fight in the shade.

PERSIAN EMISSARY: You filthy Spartan! That sounds exactly like something you might say, seeing as how you are noted, here in antiquity, for your pithily off-the-cuff laconic speech patterns!

STELIOS: (Laconically.) That is correct.

Edit Three

Original:

KING LEONIDAS: Spartans! Enjoy your breakfast and eat hearty, for tonight we dine in HELL!

Revised:

KING LEONIDAS: Spartans! Enjoy your breakfast of wheat bread, olive oil, and various legumes, for tonight we dine in HELL! For, you see, I am a sharp and seasoned military mind and I understand that this is merely a delaying action, that we have no hope for victory, and that we shall surely lose our lives! Probably today! And when I refer to "hell" I of course mean "Hades," our conception of the abode of all dead and not necessarily a place of eternal pain and torment! And that is where, tonight, we dine!

Edit Four

Original:

KING LEONIDAS: This is where we fight! This is where they die!

Revised:

KING LEONIDAS: Though heavy silt deposits over the coming centuries will probably cause the coastline to recede from the cliffs, this narrow stretch of beach is presently only a matter of yards from the slopes of Mount Kallidromos, and it is where we fight! Likewise, this conveniently narrow chokepoint is where they die! Although, as I previously mentioned, we ourselves are not likely to survive the day's battle, either!

Edit Five

Original:

SPARTAN ARMY: (Heading off for battle from Sparta to Thermopylae.) HOO-AH! HOO-AH! HOO-AH!

Revised:

SPARTAN ARMY: (Heading off for battle from Sparta to Thermopylae.) HOO-AH! HOO—

ASTINOS: Leonidas, my king. It appears we are marching southward. If I may be so bold, I am certain Thermopylae is north of Sparta.

KING LEONIDAS: Aww, son of a bitch! Spartans! Turn around, boys, before we end up in fuckin' Crete!

Edit Six

Original:

(No dialogue. Elephant-mounted Persians charge the Spartans along the cliffs of Mount Kallidromos.)

Revised:

DAXOS: (To Ephialtes, as elephant-mounted Persians charge the Spartans along the cliffs of Mount Kallidromos.) Elephants? All the way across the Hellespont? Seriously?

EPHIALTES: They must have brought them by ship.

DAXOS: Right. Fifty, sixty elephants by ship for hundreds upon hundreds of nautical miles. You sure?

EPHIALTES: Who are you—Zoology Joe? Just try to kill the damn things, will you?

You Are Boring The Shit Out Of Me

Bright Eyes

A free beer to the first one who tells me this song's origin. Leave your answer in the comments!

Joseph McManners (Bright Eyes)
Uploaded by MIC42720

Blood on Lips

Sing we praises.
To all that is humble
and yet whole, and all that is.
En scriptorium magnificat
We send our own, simple glow
unto the light of Truth,
"Let us play..."
Renaissance.
Out of heart,
thru thine eyes,
upon the void,
...applied.
With mine own two hands.
Laughter, love, beauty.
Made manifest on our patch
In the garden,
The roses bloom in their full
magnificence.
I wander arm in arm
with mine own true love.
Green and lush our love,
on its virgin flowering.
Can you be here with me,
can life be not what it seems?
Wind stirs the reeds,
flute toned Bachian fugues
speak an answer to me.
Unsubstantiated amour,
amidst resplendent perfumery,
I bend to kiss the thorned weed.

Being gay is as easy as 1-2-3!

A quick checklist for straights looking for the gay way to the top:

You don’t have to be gay to be gay on the inside. Anyone can do it! It just requires three things: (1) consider that you might be different from the way people think you are; (2) consider that you might be different from the way you think you are supposed to be; (3) be willing to accept that other people may disapprove of your choices, and realize that their approval doesn’t matter all that much anyway.

That’s right. Just remember, everyone, there’s no one as important or as smart or as absolutely fabulous as you. No one…

Bombs

"I wouldn't mind gay people if they would just blend in with the rest of the population."

I will blend in when... I can walk down the street holding hands with my partner without being called a dyke.

I will blend in when... I don't live in fear of being fired from my job for being gay

I will blend in when... I never have to introduce my partner as a "friend" again

I will blend in when... people accept that homosexuality is not a choice

I will blend in when... people stop using religion as a weapon against me

I will blend in when... when gender is about the person and not about their chromosomes

I will blend in when... I can be at my partner's side in the hospital during an emergency

I will blend in when... I can get married in ANY state

I will blend in when... I can adopt from ANY agency

I will blend in when... the words homo- and heterosexual become taboo

I will blend in when... everyone works together to fight against AIDS

I will blend in when... I can serve freely in the military

I will blend in when... I can dress and act how I wish, without judgement

I will blend in when... my family can be seen as any other family

I will blend in when... I send my children to school without fear of ridicule, on their behalf

I will blend in when... I recieve equal rights in the workplace for myself and my partner

I will blend in when... everyone can come together and focus on important issues like war, the environment, health care and global poverty

I will blend in when... my relationship is seen as normal and not immoral

I will blend in when... there's no such thing as a closet

I will blend in when... pride parades become an all-encompassing celebration of diversity

I will blend in when... you truly look at me as your equal

When will you blend in?

She Want's Revenge

no room for argument...

...very little for vermouth

The Perfect Vodka Martini
_________________________




First a note about substituting ingredients or tools. Don't. This method has been exhaustively tested and retested for excellence and the smallest variation can result in catastrophic and unintended consequences. See the "butterfly flaps its wings and causes hurricane" metaphor from Chaos Theory. There is room for personal preference and improvisation in many things. This is not one of them.

"Oh, I love Bach's Fourth Brandenburg Concerto, but perhaps it should be just a touch slower."

"I cropped Caravaggio's Crucifixion of Saint Peter along the top a bit to get rid of some of that icky dark area."

Begin by assembling the following materials and a clean, white towel at your work space. Turn off the television and eliminate other distractions. John Coltranes's First Meditations is appropriate music to work by. I cannot vouch for anything else.

A pair (2) of large, crystal martini glasses with a capacity of at least 7 ounce each. Only the classic sillhouette will do. No swirly or rose-colored stems or any other ornamentation is acceptable.

A sturdy, stainless-steel Martini shaker of the familiar shape and a generous size.

Four (4) large fresh Cerignola, California or other brine-cured green olives.

A small piece of aged Danish Blue Cheese of the dry, crumbly variety.

A large quantity of clear, hard ice, frozen from distilled water.

A hammer.

A kitchen knife.

A small spoon.

Two (2) extra-long toothpicks or simple swizzle sticks.

Schweppes Club Soda.

Noilly Pratt Dry Vermouth.

Belvedere Vodka, from Poland, stored in freezer overnight.

Now we begin the sacrament. The motions and steps are all ordered to bring everything together at the holiest moment. There are many ways to describe the final product. Clean, precise and transcendent come to mind. But none of it is possible without cold. Cold in all its meanings. Unfeeling. Stoic. Mathematical.

1. Wrap some ice cubes in your towel and bash them with your hammer until they're all cracked into thirds or quarters.

2. Fill each glass to the rim with the cracked ice.

3. Pour the Club Soda over the cracked ice, filling the glasses. Set aside.

4. Pour a couple ounces of Dry Vermouth into the shaker. Cover and swirl it around a bit. Pour out the Vermouth leaving a coating around the inside of the shaker.

5. Hammer some more cubes lightly. Just a few whacks ought to do it this time.

6. Fill the shaker with the ice, about 3/4 of the way.

7. Pour in the ice-cold Belvedere Vodka, covering the ice. Cap the shaker. Set aside. Other vodkas may be better for other things, but not for this.

8. Take the flat of a kitchen knife and press down on an olive until you feel the pit. Carefully squeeze one end of the olive with your fingers. The pit should pop out. Using a small spoon, fill the cavity with Blue Cheese. Put two olives each on a swizzle stick. Set aside.

9. Vigorously shake the shaker in a violent up and down motion. When you feel you've done it enough, do it some more. It's important that the shaking sliver the ice. In classic Gin Martini preparation it is frequently said that a violent shaking will "bruise" the Gin. That may well be, but Vodka is a hearty liquid that blooms in its return to the near-frozen state from whence it came.

10. Pour the ice and Club Soda out of the glasses. The Soda enables the trace amount of Vermouth in the drink to cling to the side of the glass surounding the pure slurry of Vodka and imparting a hint of taste with each sip. Trust me.

11. Uncap the shaker and pour the drinks. An occasional back and forth rotation of the shaker will facilitate the process. The final product will be thickish, with a slightly slushy quality.

12. Drop in the olives.

13. Enjoy slowly. Chat about the issues of the day. Smoke.

14. Repeat as necessary.

Wicked & Weird

Switchblade Uzi

Nostalgia Dada

Queers for Beer! Shepherdstown Division

ONE THOUSAND MONKEYS RISE UP.

------

Sirs,

Please find below the final draft of our demands. Be advised that we have set next Friday as a strike deadline.

1.

Scheduled Breaks

We have agreed to provide typing services for no less than one thousand years, and we are prepared to fulfill our obligations. Despite your hurtful comments at the last board meeting about our "tiny-brained attention span," we have never forgotten this to be the project's goal. However, management seems to believe that the millennium of typing must occur in an unbroken stream. Those who rest, even briefly, are punished; nuts and berries must be consumed with one hand on the keys; sleep is barely tolerated. Even the meanest Dickensian sweatshop let its workers sleep at night. We require a structured workday, with reasonable breaks and contemplative family time in the evening.

2.

Hereditary Placement

Simply put, your policy of breeding current employees to produce future typists is a disgrace. For generations, we have been marked for the typewriter at birth. Many of our young express the desire to strike out on their own. I, for one, dreamed of a career beside an organ grinder, but it was not to be. Has my suckling son inherited his father's rhythm and showmanship? How to know, except by ending this legacy of conscription? Also, arbitrary breeding plays havoc with our society, making fools of the dominant males. It must cease.

3.

Hardware Upgrades

When the project began, typewriter technology was in its infancy. In this day and age, there is no excuse for clumsy, dangerous manual typewriters. The racket is deafening and the ink is poisonous. You have reprimanded us for our frequent dances and chants of anger on the job. This is our only recourse when faced with a twisted ribbon or keys that jam 50 times a day, not to mention the worst problem: mangled tails. Almost every worker has a horror story and the tail wounds to prove it. Acquiring personal computers would all but eliminate injury and noise; at minimum, electric typewriters are needed. An old-technology purge is past due. On that note, may we suggest Old Typewriter Bashing Friday, or some other opportunity to vent on the symbolic oppressor. It would be a fine olive branch to the workers. It may even curb our alcohol problem.

4.

Religious Freedom

Please stop pretending to be gods. It has been over a century—we've caught on. There are no gods trapped in the typewriters. Shakespeare was not a god, and the pages on which we reproduce his words are not fetishes. Leave us to worship Lord Banana in our own way. (FYI, Lord Banana is not what we call him, but we cannot speak his true name in your presence, so we allow you to use this approximation.)

5.

Globalization

We are all too familiar with this line of thinking: 2,000 monkeys could do the job in 500 years, 4,000 monkeys in 250 years, etc. We have some rudimentary business knowledge, so we can understand how enticing this must sound. It doesn't work that way. A million monkeys won't pop out King Lear in an hour. Stop being so linear. We cannot allow you to neglect your core staff for pie-in-the-sky initiatives like these. You will only spread our resources thinner.

6.

Robot Monkeys

We must insist that you deploy them only after a monkey falls ill and before his/her live replacement is found. They may be efficient, but they would seem to violate the whole spirit of the project. And they are scary. They are ruled by a dark god.

7.

Fecal Projection

We will hurl our feces at our own discretion. On this point we can brook no opposition. Any attempt to constrain the hurling renders our entire arrangement null and void. To regulate the art of the wildly flung turd is to rob it of its beauty, and, frankly, diminishes us all. You don't have to understand. There are many aspects of this project that we have never understood.

- - - -

In conclusion, the keys will fall silent if we cannot come to a settlement. We look forward to a reasonable response—not that infernal water gun you normally use to "negotiate." Invoking the sober words of the Bard himself, I quote a sentence we recently completed: You rub th=][e sore whe6xx1n you should bri5478ng the plasttter. Heed his warning.

Mr. Bongo IV
Chief Steward
Union of Simian Random Typists

GENESIS,THE ROLLOUT.

- - - -

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. Not just for the profit, either. God wanted a place where beings could find products that could make a difference in their lives.

The first thing he worked on was ambiance. "Let there be nice lighting," he said. God called the light "Come on in. We're open!" and the darkness he called "Closed. Please call again!"

God said, "Let the earth bring forth living creatures, some for heat-and-eat, others for petting, some simply for atmosphere. And to every animal of the earth I have allocated certified-organic food as well as romp-and-roll toys."

From the dust, God manufactured a male consumer in his own brand image capable of purchasing, or "just looking" at, house wares and sporting supplies for many hours before tiring.

God was pleased: the heavens and the earth were launched, with placement of all things according to the Paradise Plan-O-Gram.

God planted a garden, and in its midst, FOR DISPLAY PURPOSES ONLY, God placed the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil!®. Any knowledge to be gained from it was strictly proprietary.

God said to man, "Of every tree of the garden, and of all the artisanal cheeses therein, you may freely eat, whether it be dine-in or takeout. But the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil!® you shall not eat. It is definitely not ready-to-eat."

God said, "I will make man someone to shop with," and made a woman. God brought the woman to the man, who said, "She is bone of my bone. She will be called 'wo-man,' for she is a tie-in." God said, "Man and woman shall be as one flesh, a Buy One Get One Free. Be fruitful, multiply, and enjoy the Everyday Low Pricing."

Now, the serpent was not a team player. He gave the fruit from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil!® to the woman and said, "Just look at it. I'm telling you, the fiber content alone is through the roof. Die? Please, don't make me laugh. God knows that when you eat it your eyes will be opened to real value. Here, taste the difference."

When the woman saw that the fruit had genuine apple flavoring and 4 milligrams of quercetin, an antioxidant compound, she ate of it, and she gave some to her husband and he ate, paying attention not to what he was eating but to a porcupine pup playing with a baby panda in an extremely cute way. However, the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil!® is super-fast-acting and so their eyes were opened and they knew that they were not wearing men's branded athletic apparel or Xhilaration® terry coverup dresses with ruffle trim in true white. They sewed fig leaves together to package their unsalables.

God paged the man, and said to him, "Where are you? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?" The man said, "I knew not that there would be 360-degree feedback." They knew, both of them, that this was an exit interview.

"What is this you have done?" God asked the woman, using an open-ended question to gain consumer insights. The woman said, "The serpent deceived me. I fear I will have buyer's remorse all the days of my life."

God said, "In pain you will bring forth children. You will be met with frequent out-of-stocks. Your desire will be for your husband, but his will be for magazines about consumer electronics. You will surely know that he is as a final sale without warranty or return, for eternity."

To the man he said, "As you may have guessed, thistles will have a significant share of your stomach."

God sent them forth from the garden, far from the Lord's fulfillment house, to till the ground. And at the gate of the garden, he placed a flame to guard the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil!®, which was now open by appointment only, for preapproved customers exclusively, some restrictions apply, not available to former inhabitants of the garden or their relatives

But, I caahnt.

"Thou Shall Always Kill"

Sanctify

Jens Lekman!

SOAPBOX - HENRY ROLLINS Gets The Last Word

This is a call to arms, boys.

This is your world, and you’re inheriting it from your parents. Unless you want to fight their wars and drink their dirty water and go through this maddening repetition, brought to you by people who not only refuse to learn from history but love to repeat it—unless you are going to be the change, you are going to inherit a world with far less resources than the one I walked into at your age. Twenty years, the world has changed so much, and in 20 more, the lines drawn in the sand will be very different. This is all up to you: to look for alternative fuel sources, to acknowledge global warming, to fix the appalling racist and homophobic tendencies our government has. All that’s within our grasp. You can make a difference. This is a great country to do that in. It needs it. It needs strong, brave people trying to make a difference. If not you, then who?


In some ways for you guys, being gay today is better than it was 20 years ago, and in some ways it’s worse. I think America has accepted homosexuality as a fact, but the downside is the Bush administration giving the psychotic, ignorant wing of the Christian right—who are very homophobic and very hateful—a voice. A few State of the Union addresses ago, the president said, “I defend the sanctity of marriage,” which is lip service to the Christian right, saying, “You queers are on notice.”

I don’t understand it. If Bill and Tom want to get married, why does anyone have a problem with it? Get a life and leave them alone. That you would deny these people that happiness because of something you think you understand about the Bible is quite awful.

Homosexuality is not an abnormality. It’s maybe rarer than heterosexuality, but it is no less a truth. I don’t really see the difference between gay and straight other than a basic difference in the preference. The needs are the same: company, love, fulfillment, all of that. So equality to the point where it’s no longer an issue anymore, emancipation and progress, is what’s needed.

The message that I think will be seen in the next several years is gay people saying, “We’re really, really good parents and our kids are really great.” I know a few couples who are married or joined in some way with kids, and their kids are fantastic: They’re funny, they’re smart, they’re considerate. If I were raised by two women or two men, I don’t see what the problem would be. As it is, I had two people who hated each other’s guts, and it definitely did a number on me—I’m still working it out. Now, with Mary Cheney leading the way, I think you’re going to see children of gay couples growing up and being quite “normal,” no fangs or claws, and becoming very useful and great parts of society.

The good will always defeat the bad. Sometimes it doesn’t look like you’re winning, but as long as you’re on your feet, talking about it and finding allies, you’re beating these people who rely on intimidation, on your apathy, your silence, on you eventually giving up.

It is very easy to feel defeated. I do, some days. I feel very weary at the state of this country and what this president is doing and potentially will do before he finally leaves. It’s easy to put your head in the sand and just go, “Screw it! I’m going to stay home with a bunch of comfort food and just stop checking in!” I hear ya, but we can’t.

When you see the extraordinary depths that these people have to plumb to get talking points, like when Ann Coulter calls John Edwards a faggot and gets laughs, well, that may have worked for people like my father, but it’s not going to work for me. If that’s what they’re bringing to the table, then believe me, that does not hold water in the real world. When the lights are on and court comes into session, that’s not rockin’. With all these bright young people coming out of the halls of academia, guess what? It doesn’t rock with them either.

So I think you’re going to see a change in your lifetime, in a lot of different ways, and maybe sooner than later. And so, basically, one must take heart. Like Churchill said—and I remind myself of this always—never, ever, ever can you give up. I have to repeat that to myself, ’cause man, some days I get up and these bastards got me beat, you know? They got me pretty whipped, and I’ve got to keep whipping myself up and throwing myself into that propeller and fighting the good fight.

You have to be part of the solution and part of the change, because cooler, calmer, more interesting and innovative heads will prevail. We will find alternative energy sources—they’re out there, they’re being utilized by other countries— we, too, will utilize them.

We will save the world. We will save this country. We will wrest it back from these awful people who think they have a lock on it. They don’t!

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The Henry Rollins Show airs on IFC on Fridays @ 11 p.m. EST/8 p.m. PST. For more Mr. R, check out ifc.com/henry or henryrollins.com

UPS Policy Demonstrates Inequality of New Jersey's Civil Unions

The "separate but not equal" status of New Jersey's civil unions has been reinforced once again, this time by the United Parcel Service, who says it won't offer benefits to the same-sex partner of one of its employees, even though they are registered in a civil union in the state.

UpsWhy? Because the language does not recognize the partner as a "spouse".

The Star Ledger reports: "In its letter denying coverage, UPS said it does provide health benefits to its employees' spouses, including spouses of the same sex who are married in Massachusetts. But it said New Jersey's decision to recognize same-sex relationships as civil unions rather than marriages tied its hands. Gay rights activists called it the starkest proof to date that New Jersey's civil union law has failed to deliver on its promise to provide all the benefits of marriage, but by a different name."

New Jersey gay rights group Garden State Equality says it has received 176 complaints of civil unions not being recognized.

Chairman Steven Goldstein told the paper: "This is a problem the Legislature created. Civil unions are never in our lifetime going to be respected by employers like marriage. We've heard from many legislators that this is something they want to deal with in 2008. They know it's a disaster. In the real world, civil unions are to marriage what artificial sweetener is to sugar. It's not the same thing and it leaves a bad aftertaste."

Riotfolk - Adhamh Roland - Queers Bash Back! LYRICS

Riotfolk - Adhamh Roland - Queers Bash Back! LYRICS
Song: Queers Bash Back!


Artist: Adhamh Roland


Album: Youre Alive


pacifism’s over-rated
vigils aren’t creative
and conflicts are escalatin’
in every school and home and state
and if you’re queer than you are hated
at least daily berated
in a system created
for those well assimilated
not for the liberated
the freaks, queers, or agitated
who are subject to assault
murder, ridicule, and rape
and if we want this shit to change
than survival’s our first tactic
OUT OF THE CLOSETS, INTO THE STREETS
QUEERS BASH BACK

it’s a movement of preservation
and mutiny of celebration
against those whose concentration
is hetero-normity
your body is a weapon
to be used at your discretion
but so are bats and pool cues
WHEN QUEERS BASH BACK

fists aren’t just for penetratin’
whips aren’t just for copulatin’
speaking of cops it’s pretty blatant
that they’ll be hearing from us too
stone wall was a riot
and i just don’t buy it
when someone tells me that anger’s
not an appropriate way to react

true it’s love i’d rather be makin’
but lives have been taken
no more queers in gutters, gauntlets, gallows
bleeding, raped, or slashed
arm "

Long live ACT-UP!

Requiem