MIDTERM EXAM ON KELLY, THE WOMAN WITH WHOM MY BOYFRIEND HAD AN AFFAIR

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Short Answer
(10 POINTS EACH)

1. Use the Reed-Frost formula to calculate how long it will probably take for Kelly to wind up destitute and riddled with venereal disease (round to the nearest year).

2. According to Dante, which concentric circle of Hell is Kelly most likely to end up in?

3. If Kelly had an affair with Zeus, what kind of animal do you think Hera would turn her into?

4. How long do you think Kelly would last in a fair fight with the author of this exam?

5. What if Kelly were blindfolded?

6. What do you suppose Kelly was telling her therapist all that time? Can you even imagine?

Essay
(15 POINTS EACH—CHOOSE TWO)

Heraclitus tells us that Pittacus, when he had Alcaeus in his power, released him, saying, "Forgiveness is better than revenge." Demonstrate how, in Kelly's case, this philosophy is a complete load of crap.

Write a 500-word essay detailing why, for the good of the general public, Kelly should be trapped and humanely euthanized.

Use the ethical theory of deontology to briefly describe how you would respond if Kelly had an affair with your boyfriend. Use the theory of utilitarianism to describe how you would silence any witnesses.

THE NEUROTIC PICKUP ARTIST

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Are your legs tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day. Just remember to stay plenty hydrated. We are in a bar, and drinking alcohol—though it may seem counterintuitive—can lead to dehydration. After all, it's a diuretic. So if you were running all day and now you're drinking martinis, you could be in danger without even realizing it. Are you having headaches? Is your urine dark? Where are you going?

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If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together. But I'd probably just give you a quick glance and then switch the alphabet back to the correct order. I mean, children today have enough to worry about without us changing the alphabet on them.

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What's that in your eye? Must just be a twinkle. But if it is in fact a piece of glass, we've got a problem. Corneal abrasions can be painful, let me tell you. Someone get me some water, we'll try to flush it out. Now blink a few times. That's it. Work with me here, it's better just to be safe.

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You must be a heck of a thief, because you stole my heart from across the room. I'm not going to report it, though, because our state is pretty tough on theft. A little too tough, if you ask me. And the rate of recidivism, particularly for stealing, is chilling. We need reform.

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You must be a light switch, because every time I see you, you turn me on. And I'm not so sure that's a good thing, what with global warming and all. I try to leave the lights off as much as possible, and definitely if I'm not in the room at the time. I even shut down my computer every night. You'd be surprised how the little things can make a big difference. Have you used those energy-efficient light bulbs?

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If you were words on a page, you'd be what they call "fine print." Now, that's not to say you are the much maligned and oft-ignored small-print disclaimer that the legal department of many companies slip in toward the bottom of their ads to stipulate the limitations of their offers. I was just using a little wordplay with "fine."

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Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you. Do you have any hydrogen peroxide? Maybe one of those alcohol wipes? I don't want my knee to turn into a festering cesspool of bacteria. And I definitely don't want to get blood on that pretty dress of yours.

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What time do you have to be back in heaven? I'm not suggesting you're dead or that you look dead or even that you believe in the afterlife. I was just referencing the widely accepted notion that heaven (regardless of the religion) is a utopia. And since a utopia is a perfect place and everything in it is perfect, I just thought you'd be from there.

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Do you have a map? Because I keep getting lost in your eyes. When I come into a little money, I swear I'm going to buy one of those GPS navigation systems. I get so frazzled when I lose my bearings and then things snowball because I'm totally disoriented and I get more and more lost. Hold me, I'm scared.

OFF-DUTY SITUATIONS IN WHICH AN OFFICER OF THE LAW MIGHT USE HIS FANCY POLICE-REPORT JARGON TO IMPRESS PEOPLE

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I.

On a Date

Lisa, when I first observed you, I was promptly alerted to what a beautiful Caucasian individual you are. Your medium height, civil and polite manner, and fully alert hazel/green eyes indicated to me that you were a pleasant and nonthreatening female citizen. Initially, it was brought to my attention that you were in the company of another male party, in his mid-20s, and this caused me to abandon my pursuit and exit the premises (Cherry Hill Mall) without incident. However, you were subsequently spotted on a separate occasion without the male Caucasian party in question. At this time, I was able to execute a series of maneuvers that enabled me to detain you for a routine exchange of verbal communication. Upon further questioning, I was able to ascertain that you have been harboring certain feelings for myself. In light of your confession, I would like to articulate at this time that I am in possession of similar emotions for your person.

II.

After a Poetry Reading

The manner in which the individual has rendered these statements, freely and without signs of coercion, leads me to believe that the individual is in possession of moderate quantities of artistic and literary talent. I further noted on this occasion that the individual verbally articulated items of an explicitly personal and sexual nature. These confessions were relayed calmly and in nonrhyming verse. At the conclusion of this incident, it was my determination that this matter warranted further inquiry, so I approached the individual from the left. Words were exchanged, and it was indicated to me that this particular approach was utilized for purposes described by the party as "subversive galvanization of the soul." I suggested at this point in time that the individual might proceed in the future by perpetrating a rhyme of "modem" to accompany the word "scrotum." This advice was politely noted by the individual.

III.

While Selecting a Puppy
for a Nephew's Birthday

It was my initial assessment that the puppy on the left had been displaying violent behaviors toward the adjacent puppy in this enclosure. The perpetrator, known here as Puppy A, was observed forcibly biting Puppy B about the head, neck, and hindquarters. Striking with paws was also noted. The injuries sustained by Puppy B do not appear to be life-threatening, but warrant ongoing observation. Puppy A, which appeared to be without remorse for the earlier fisticuffs, then proceeded to excrete feces onto the cranium of Puppy C, which had been quietly occupying the northeastern sector of the aforementioned puppy enclosure. It was my further observation that this puppy, Puppy A, exhibited a dullness of coat, eyes, and temperament that is characteristic of illicit puppy-tranquilizer use. I proceeded to question Puppy A regarding the specific behaviors I had observed, as well as the overall manner in which this individual presented its person. Puppy A indicated to me at this time that he had been in receipt of certain canine anesthetic agents, legal for use by veterinarians, following a neutering operation. This information was corroborated by other puppies in the enclosure. I did not note any coercion on the part of Puppy A to elicit this corroboration. At this time, I opted to secure and transport Puppy A for the purposes of companionship and recreation pertaining to the young nephew of this officer.

Food Porn

Mexican Style Pickled Carrots

For the taco to really hit the spot, and not leave me lonely and forlorn, a mix pickle of carrots, radishes and jalapenos is essential.

For something that is so darned easy to whip up and so vital to the taco experience, why more restaurants refuse to have it on hand is well beyond my simple reasoning. Any ideas?

You on the other hand, my fiery little friends, can rest easy now that this recipe is on hand and ready for action…try it and revel in the simplicity of the crunchy, spicy, piquant, herbaceous perfection that goes so well with just about anything (and makes a delightful and unexpected side dish when in a pinch…) and of course…enjoy


4 large carrots, peeled and sliced on an angle
1 bunch radishes, washed and quartered
1-2 large jalapenos (more if you really like spicy), sliced into thick rounds
1 clove garlic, sliced thin
1 teaspoon Mexican oregano
1 small white onion, minced
1 cup white vinegar
1 cup water
½ teaspoon sugar
2 teaspoons salt


Toss together the carrots, radishes and jalapenos and fit into a large glass container (with a lid)

In a large sauce pan, combine the garlic, oregano, onion, vinegar, water, sugar and salt. Bring to a simmer for two minutes.

Carefully pour the vinegar mixture over the carrot mixture until it covers all the vegetables, and allow to cool on the counter top. (Leftover liquid should be discarded) When cool, cap and refrigerate for at least 3 hours. Can be kept for up to two months.

Yup, it’s that easy.


Makes 1-½ cups of fantastic.

Suggested Edits to the Movie 300

SUGGESTED EDITS
TO THE MOVIE 300
FOR THE DVD RELEASE OF
300: THE DEFINITIVE,
HISTORICALLY ACCURATE
CUT.

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Edit One

Original:

PERSIAN OFFICER: Spartans! Lay down your weapons!

KING LEONIDAS: PERSIANS! COME AND GET THEM!!

Revised:

PERSIAN OFFICER: Spartans! Lay down your weapons!

KING LEONIDAS: PERSIANS! First, I note that your speaking these words to me face to face strikes me as odd, given how such deliberations concerning détente would generally be handled by way of written correspondence between commanders, as opposed to direct discussions among field officers! Second, I say to you that, though our battle uniforms have been pared down to an unthinkably inefficient yet symbolically selfless and heroic combination of helmet, cape, sandals, and leather skirt, we still menacingly hold forth our metal swords and spears and say to you: COME AND GET THEM!!

Edit Two

Original:

PERSIAN EMISSARY: A thousand nations of the Persian Empire will descend upon you. Our arrows will blot out the sun.

STELIOS: (Laconically.) Then we will fight in the shade.

Revised:

PERSIAN EMISSARY: A thousand nations, hyperbolically speaking, of the Persian Empire will descend upon you. Our arrows will blot out the sun.

STELIOS: (Laconically.) Then we will fight in the shade.

PERSIAN EMISSARY: You filthy Spartan! That sounds exactly like something you might say, seeing as how you are noted, here in antiquity, for your pithily off-the-cuff laconic speech patterns!

STELIOS: (Laconically.) That is correct.

Edit Three

Original:

KING LEONIDAS: Spartans! Enjoy your breakfast and eat hearty, for tonight we dine in HELL!

Revised:

KING LEONIDAS: Spartans! Enjoy your breakfast of wheat bread, olive oil, and various legumes, for tonight we dine in HELL! For, you see, I am a sharp and seasoned military mind and I understand that this is merely a delaying action, that we have no hope for victory, and that we shall surely lose our lives! Probably today! And when I refer to "hell" I of course mean "Hades," our conception of the abode of all dead and not necessarily a place of eternal pain and torment! And that is where, tonight, we dine!

Edit Four

Original:

KING LEONIDAS: This is where we fight! This is where they die!

Revised:

KING LEONIDAS: Though heavy silt deposits over the coming centuries will probably cause the coastline to recede from the cliffs, this narrow stretch of beach is presently only a matter of yards from the slopes of Mount Kallidromos, and it is where we fight! Likewise, this conveniently narrow chokepoint is where they die! Although, as I previously mentioned, we ourselves are not likely to survive the day's battle, either!

Edit Five

Original:

SPARTAN ARMY: (Heading off for battle from Sparta to Thermopylae.) HOO-AH! HOO-AH! HOO-AH!

Revised:

SPARTAN ARMY: (Heading off for battle from Sparta to Thermopylae.) HOO-AH! HOO—

ASTINOS: Leonidas, my king. It appears we are marching southward. If I may be so bold, I am certain Thermopylae is north of Sparta.

KING LEONIDAS: Aww, son of a bitch! Spartans! Turn around, boys, before we end up in fuckin' Crete!

Edit Six

Original:

(No dialogue. Elephant-mounted Persians charge the Spartans along the cliffs of Mount Kallidromos.)

Revised:

DAXOS: (To Ephialtes, as elephant-mounted Persians charge the Spartans along the cliffs of Mount Kallidromos.) Elephants? All the way across the Hellespont? Seriously?

EPHIALTES: They must have brought them by ship.

DAXOS: Right. Fifty, sixty elephants by ship for hundreds upon hundreds of nautical miles. You sure?

EPHIALTES: Who are you—Zoology Joe? Just try to kill the damn things, will you?