Tuesday, July 31, 2007
ONE THOUSAND MONKEYS RISE UP.
------
Sirs,
Please find below the final draft of our demands. Be advised that we have set next Friday as a strike deadline.
1.
Scheduled Breaks
We have agreed to provide typing services for no less than one thousand years, and we are prepared to fulfill our obligations. Despite your hurtful comments at the last board meeting about our "tiny-brained attention span," we have never forgotten this to be the project's goal. However, management seems to believe that the millennium of typing must occur in an unbroken stream. Those who rest, even briefly, are punished; nuts and berries must be consumed with one hand on the keys; sleep is barely tolerated. Even the meanest Dickensian sweatshop let its workers sleep at night. We require a structured workday, with reasonable breaks and contemplative family time in the evening.
2.
Hereditary Placement
Simply put, your policy of breeding current employees to produce future typists is a disgrace. For generations, we have been marked for the typewriter at birth. Many of our young express the desire to strike out on their own. I, for one, dreamed of a career beside an organ grinder, but it was not to be. Has my suckling son inherited his father's rhythm and showmanship? How to know, except by ending this legacy of conscription? Also, arbitrary breeding plays havoc with our society, making fools of the dominant males. It must cease.
3.
Hardware Upgrades
When the project began, typewriter technology was in its infancy. In this day and age, there is no excuse for clumsy, dangerous manual typewriters. The racket is deafening and the ink is poisonous. You have reprimanded us for our frequent dances and chants of anger on the job. This is our only recourse when faced with a twisted ribbon or keys that jam 50 times a day, not to mention the worst problem: mangled tails. Almost every worker has a horror story and the tail wounds to prove it. Acquiring personal computers would all but eliminate injury and noise; at minimum, electric typewriters are needed. An old-technology purge is past due. On that note, may we suggest Old Typewriter Bashing Friday, or some other opportunity to vent on the symbolic oppressor. It would be a fine olive branch to the workers. It may even curb our alcohol problem.
4.
Religious Freedom
Please stop pretending to be gods. It has been over a century—we've caught on. There are no gods trapped in the typewriters. Shakespeare was not a god, and the pages on which we reproduce his words are not fetishes. Leave us to worship Lord Banana in our own way. (FYI, Lord Banana is not what we call him, but we cannot speak his true name in your presence, so we allow you to use this approximation.)
5.
Globalization
We are all too familiar with this line of thinking: 2,000 monkeys could do the job in 500 years, 4,000 monkeys in 250 years, etc. We have some rudimentary business knowledge, so we can understand how enticing this must sound. It doesn't work that way. A million monkeys won't pop out King Lear in an hour. Stop being so linear. We cannot allow you to neglect your core staff for pie-in-the-sky initiatives like these. You will only spread our resources thinner.
6.
Robot Monkeys
We must insist that you deploy them only after a monkey falls ill and before his/her live replacement is found. They may be efficient, but they would seem to violate the whole spirit of the project. And they are scary. They are ruled by a dark god.
7.
Fecal Projection
We will hurl our feces at our own discretion. On this point we can brook no opposition. Any attempt to constrain the hurling renders our entire arrangement null and void. To regulate the art of the wildly flung turd is to rob it of its beauty, and, frankly, diminishes us all. You don't have to understand. There are many aspects of this project that we have never understood.
- - - -
In conclusion, the keys will fall silent if we cannot come to a settlement. We look forward to a reasonable response—not that infernal water gun you normally use to "negotiate." Invoking the sober words of the Bard himself, I quote a sentence we recently completed: You rub th=][e sore whe6xx1n you should bri5478ng the plasttter. Heed his warning.
Mr. Bongo IV
Chief Steward
Union of Simian Random Typists
Sirs,
Please find below the final draft of our demands. Be advised that we have set next Friday as a strike deadline.
1.
Scheduled Breaks
We have agreed to provide typing services for no less than one thousand years, and we are prepared to fulfill our obligations. Despite your hurtful comments at the last board meeting about our "tiny-brained attention span," we have never forgotten this to be the project's goal. However, management seems to believe that the millennium of typing must occur in an unbroken stream. Those who rest, even briefly, are punished; nuts and berries must be consumed with one hand on the keys; sleep is barely tolerated. Even the meanest Dickensian sweatshop let its workers sleep at night. We require a structured workday, with reasonable breaks and contemplative family time in the evening.
2.
Hereditary Placement
Simply put, your policy of breeding current employees to produce future typists is a disgrace. For generations, we have been marked for the typewriter at birth. Many of our young express the desire to strike out on their own. I, for one, dreamed of a career beside an organ grinder, but it was not to be. Has my suckling son inherited his father's rhythm and showmanship? How to know, except by ending this legacy of conscription? Also, arbitrary breeding plays havoc with our society, making fools of the dominant males. It must cease.
3.
Hardware Upgrades
When the project began, typewriter technology was in its infancy. In this day and age, there is no excuse for clumsy, dangerous manual typewriters. The racket is deafening and the ink is poisonous. You have reprimanded us for our frequent dances and chants of anger on the job. This is our only recourse when faced with a twisted ribbon or keys that jam 50 times a day, not to mention the worst problem: mangled tails. Almost every worker has a horror story and the tail wounds to prove it. Acquiring personal computers would all but eliminate injury and noise; at minimum, electric typewriters are needed. An old-technology purge is past due. On that note, may we suggest Old Typewriter Bashing Friday, or some other opportunity to vent on the symbolic oppressor. It would be a fine olive branch to the workers. It may even curb our alcohol problem.
4.
Religious Freedom
Please stop pretending to be gods. It has been over a century—we've caught on. There are no gods trapped in the typewriters. Shakespeare was not a god, and the pages on which we reproduce his words are not fetishes. Leave us to worship Lord Banana in our own way. (FYI, Lord Banana is not what we call him, but we cannot speak his true name in your presence, so we allow you to use this approximation.)
5.
Globalization
We are all too familiar with this line of thinking: 2,000 monkeys could do the job in 500 years, 4,000 monkeys in 250 years, etc. We have some rudimentary business knowledge, so we can understand how enticing this must sound. It doesn't work that way. A million monkeys won't pop out King Lear in an hour. Stop being so linear. We cannot allow you to neglect your core staff for pie-in-the-sky initiatives like these. You will only spread our resources thinner.
6.
Robot Monkeys
We must insist that you deploy them only after a monkey falls ill and before his/her live replacement is found. They may be efficient, but they would seem to violate the whole spirit of the project. And they are scary. They are ruled by a dark god.
7.
Fecal Projection
We will hurl our feces at our own discretion. On this point we can brook no opposition. Any attempt to constrain the hurling renders our entire arrangement null and void. To regulate the art of the wildly flung turd is to rob it of its beauty, and, frankly, diminishes us all. You don't have to understand. There are many aspects of this project that we have never understood.
- - - -
In conclusion, the keys will fall silent if we cannot come to a settlement. We look forward to a reasonable response—not that infernal water gun you normally use to "negotiate." Invoking the sober words of the Bard himself, I quote a sentence we recently completed: You rub th=][e sore whe6xx1n you should bri5478ng the plasttter. Heed his warning.
Mr. Bongo IV
Chief Steward
Union of Simian Random Typists
GENESIS,THE ROLLOUT.
- - - -
In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. Not just for the profit, either. God wanted a place where beings could find products that could make a difference in their lives.
The first thing he worked on was ambiance. "Let there be nice lighting," he said. God called the light "Come on in. We're open!" and the darkness he called "Closed. Please call again!"
God said, "Let the earth bring forth living creatures, some for heat-and-eat, others for petting, some simply for atmosphere. And to every animal of the earth I have allocated certified-organic food as well as romp-and-roll toys."
From the dust, God manufactured a male consumer in his own brand image capable of purchasing, or "just looking" at, house wares and sporting supplies for many hours before tiring.
God was pleased: the heavens and the earth were launched, with placement of all things according to the Paradise Plan-O-Gram.
God planted a garden, and in its midst, FOR DISPLAY PURPOSES ONLY, God placed the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil!®. Any knowledge to be gained from it was strictly proprietary.
God said to man, "Of every tree of the garden, and of all the artisanal cheeses therein, you may freely eat, whether it be dine-in or takeout. But the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil!® you shall not eat. It is definitely not ready-to-eat."
God said, "I will make man someone to shop with," and made a woman. God brought the woman to the man, who said, "She is bone of my bone. She will be called 'wo-man,' for she is a tie-in." God said, "Man and woman shall be as one flesh, a Buy One Get One Free. Be fruitful, multiply, and enjoy the Everyday Low Pricing."
Now, the serpent was not a team player. He gave the fruit from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil!® to the woman and said, "Just look at it. I'm telling you, the fiber content alone is through the roof. Die? Please, don't make me laugh. God knows that when you eat it your eyes will be opened to real value. Here, taste the difference."
When the woman saw that the fruit had genuine apple flavoring and 4 milligrams of quercetin, an antioxidant compound, she ate of it, and she gave some to her husband and he ate, paying attention not to what he was eating but to a porcupine pup playing with a baby panda in an extremely cute way. However, the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil!® is super-fast-acting and so their eyes were opened and they knew that they were not wearing men's branded athletic apparel or Xhilaration® terry coverup dresses with ruffle trim in true white. They sewed fig leaves together to package their unsalables.
God paged the man, and said to him, "Where are you? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?" The man said, "I knew not that there would be 360-degree feedback." They knew, both of them, that this was an exit interview.
"What is this you have done?" God asked the woman, using an open-ended question to gain consumer insights. The woman said, "The serpent deceived me. I fear I will have buyer's remorse all the days of my life."
God said, "In pain you will bring forth children. You will be met with frequent out-of-stocks. Your desire will be for your husband, but his will be for magazines about consumer electronics. You will surely know that he is as a final sale without warranty or return, for eternity."
To the man he said, "As you may have guessed, thistles will have a significant share of your stomach."
God sent them forth from the garden, far from the Lord's fulfillment house, to till the ground. And at the gate of the garden, he placed a flame to guard the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil!®, which was now open by appointment only, for preapproved customers exclusively, some restrictions apply, not available to former inhabitants of the garden or their relatives
In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. Not just for the profit, either. God wanted a place where beings could find products that could make a difference in their lives.
The first thing he worked on was ambiance. "Let there be nice lighting," he said. God called the light "Come on in. We're open!" and the darkness he called "Closed. Please call again!"
God said, "Let the earth bring forth living creatures, some for heat-and-eat, others for petting, some simply for atmosphere. And to every animal of the earth I have allocated certified-organic food as well as romp-and-roll toys."
From the dust, God manufactured a male consumer in his own brand image capable of purchasing, or "just looking" at, house wares and sporting supplies for many hours before tiring.
God was pleased: the heavens and the earth were launched, with placement of all things according to the Paradise Plan-O-Gram.
God planted a garden, and in its midst, FOR DISPLAY PURPOSES ONLY, God placed the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil!®. Any knowledge to be gained from it was strictly proprietary.
God said to man, "Of every tree of the garden, and of all the artisanal cheeses therein, you may freely eat, whether it be dine-in or takeout. But the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil!® you shall not eat. It is definitely not ready-to-eat."
God said, "I will make man someone to shop with," and made a woman. God brought the woman to the man, who said, "She is bone of my bone. She will be called 'wo-man,' for she is a tie-in." God said, "Man and woman shall be as one flesh, a Buy One Get One Free. Be fruitful, multiply, and enjoy the Everyday Low Pricing."
Now, the serpent was not a team player. He gave the fruit from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil!® to the woman and said, "Just look at it. I'm telling you, the fiber content alone is through the roof. Die? Please, don't make me laugh. God knows that when you eat it your eyes will be opened to real value. Here, taste the difference."
When the woman saw that the fruit had genuine apple flavoring and 4 milligrams of quercetin, an antioxidant compound, she ate of it, and she gave some to her husband and he ate, paying attention not to what he was eating but to a porcupine pup playing with a baby panda in an extremely cute way. However, the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil!® is super-fast-acting and so their eyes were opened and they knew that they were not wearing men's branded athletic apparel or Xhilaration® terry coverup dresses with ruffle trim in true white. They sewed fig leaves together to package their unsalables.
God paged the man, and said to him, "Where are you? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?" The man said, "I knew not that there would be 360-degree feedback." They knew, both of them, that this was an exit interview.
"What is this you have done?" God asked the woman, using an open-ended question to gain consumer insights. The woman said, "The serpent deceived me. I fear I will have buyer's remorse all the days of my life."
God said, "In pain you will bring forth children. You will be met with frequent out-of-stocks. Your desire will be for your husband, but his will be for magazines about consumer electronics. You will surely know that he is as a final sale without warranty or return, for eternity."
To the man he said, "As you may have guessed, thistles will have a significant share of your stomach."
God sent them forth from the garden, far from the Lord's fulfillment house, to till the ground. And at the gate of the garden, he placed a flame to guard the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil!®, which was now open by appointment only, for preapproved customers exclusively, some restrictions apply, not available to former inhabitants of the garden or their relatives
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
SOAPBOX - HENRY ROLLINS Gets The Last Word
This is a call to arms, boys.
This is your world, and you’re inheriting it from your parents. Unless you want to fight their wars and drink their dirty water and go through this maddening repetition, brought to you by people who not only refuse to learn from history but love to repeat it—unless you are going to be the change, you are going to inherit a world with far less resources than the one I walked into at your age. Twenty years, the world has changed so much, and in 20 more, the lines drawn in the sand will be very different. This is all up to you: to look for alternative fuel sources, to acknowledge global warming, to fix the appalling racist and homophobic tendencies our government has. All that’s within our grasp. You can make a difference. This is a great country to do that in. It needs it. It needs strong, brave people trying to make a difference. If not you, then who?
In some ways for you guys, being gay today is better than it was 20 years ago, and in some ways it’s worse. I think America has accepted homosexuality as a fact, but the downside is the Bush administration giving the psychotic, ignorant wing of the Christian right—who are very homophobic and very hateful—a voice. A few State of the Union addresses ago, the president said, “I defend the sanctity of marriage,” which is lip service to the Christian right, saying, “You queers are on notice.”
I don’t understand it. If Bill and Tom want to get married, why does anyone have a problem with it? Get a life and leave them alone. That you would deny these people that happiness because of something you think you understand about the Bible is quite awful.
Homosexuality is not an abnormality. It’s maybe rarer than heterosexuality, but it is no less a truth. I don’t really see the difference between gay and straight other than a basic difference in the preference. The needs are the same: company, love, fulfillment, all of that. So equality to the point where it’s no longer an issue anymore, emancipation and progress, is what’s needed.
The message that I think will be seen in the next several years is gay people saying, “We’re really, really good parents and our kids are really great.” I know a few couples who are married or joined in some way with kids, and their kids are fantastic: They’re funny, they’re smart, they’re considerate. If I were raised by two women or two men, I don’t see what the problem would be. As it is, I had two people who hated each other’s guts, and it definitely did a number on me—I’m still working it out. Now, with Mary Cheney leading the way, I think you’re going to see children of gay couples growing up and being quite “normal,” no fangs or claws, and becoming very useful and great parts of society.
The good will always defeat the bad. Sometimes it doesn’t look like you’re winning, but as long as you’re on your feet, talking about it and finding allies, you’re beating these people who rely on intimidation, on your apathy, your silence, on you eventually giving up.
It is very easy to feel defeated. I do, some days. I feel very weary at the state of this country and what this president is doing and potentially will do before he finally leaves. It’s easy to put your head in the sand and just go, “Screw it! I’m going to stay home with a bunch of comfort food and just stop checking in!” I hear ya, but we can’t.
When you see the extraordinary depths that these people have to plumb to get talking points, like when Ann Coulter calls John Edwards a faggot and gets laughs, well, that may have worked for people like my father, but it’s not going to work for me. If that’s what they’re bringing to the table, then believe me, that does not hold water in the real world. When the lights are on and court comes into session, that’s not rockin’. With all these bright young people coming out of the halls of academia, guess what? It doesn’t rock with them either.
So I think you’re going to see a change in your lifetime, in a lot of different ways, and maybe sooner than later. And so, basically, one must take heart. Like Churchill said—and I remind myself of this always—never, ever, ever can you give up. I have to repeat that to myself, ’cause man, some days I get up and these bastards got me beat, you know? They got me pretty whipped, and I’ve got to keep whipping myself up and throwing myself into that propeller and fighting the good fight.
You have to be part of the solution and part of the change, because cooler, calmer, more interesting and innovative heads will prevail. We will find alternative energy sources—they’re out there, they’re being utilized by other countries— we, too, will utilize them.
We will save the world. We will save this country. We will wrest it back from these awful people who think they have a lock on it. They don’t!
--
The Henry Rollins Show airs on IFC on Fridays @ 11 p.m. EST/8 p.m. PST. For more Mr. R, check out ifc.com/henry or henryrollins.com
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
UPS Policy Demonstrates Inequality of New Jersey's Civil Unions
The "separate but not equal" status of New Jersey's civil unions has been reinforced once again, this time by the United Parcel Service, who says it won't offer benefits to the same-sex partner of one of its employees, even though they are registered in a civil union in the state.
UpsWhy? Because the language does not recognize the partner as a "spouse".
The Star Ledger reports: "In its letter denying coverage, UPS said it does provide health benefits to its employees' spouses, including spouses of the same sex who are married in Massachusetts. But it said New Jersey's decision to recognize same-sex relationships as civil unions rather than marriages tied its hands. Gay rights activists called it the starkest proof to date that New Jersey's civil union law has failed to deliver on its promise to provide all the benefits of marriage, but by a different name."
New Jersey gay rights group Garden State Equality says it has received 176 complaints of civil unions not being recognized.
Chairman Steven Goldstein told the paper: "This is a problem the Legislature created. Civil unions are never in our lifetime going to be respected by employers like marriage. We've heard from many legislators that this is something they want to deal with in 2008. They know it's a disaster. In the real world, civil unions are to marriage what artificial sweetener is to sugar. It's not the same thing and it leaves a bad aftertaste."
UpsWhy? Because the language does not recognize the partner as a "spouse".
The Star Ledger reports: "In its letter denying coverage, UPS said it does provide health benefits to its employees' spouses, including spouses of the same sex who are married in Massachusetts. But it said New Jersey's decision to recognize same-sex relationships as civil unions rather than marriages tied its hands. Gay rights activists called it the starkest proof to date that New Jersey's civil union law has failed to deliver on its promise to provide all the benefits of marriage, but by a different name."
New Jersey gay rights group Garden State Equality says it has received 176 complaints of civil unions not being recognized.
Chairman Steven Goldstein told the paper: "This is a problem the Legislature created. Civil unions are never in our lifetime going to be respected by employers like marriage. We've heard from many legislators that this is something they want to deal with in 2008. They know it's a disaster. In the real world, civil unions are to marriage what artificial sweetener is to sugar. It's not the same thing and it leaves a bad aftertaste."
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
Riotfolk - Adhamh Roland - Queers Bash Back! LYRICS
Riotfolk - Adhamh Roland - Queers Bash Back! LYRICS
Song: Queers Bash Back!
Artist: Adhamh Roland
Album: Youre Alive
pacifism’s over-rated
vigils aren’t creative
and conflicts are escalatin’
in every school and home and state
and if you’re queer than you are hated
at least daily berated
in a system created
for those well assimilated
not for the liberated
the freaks, queers, or agitated
who are subject to assault
murder, ridicule, and rape
and if we want this shit to change
than survival’s our first tactic
OUT OF THE CLOSETS, INTO THE STREETS
QUEERS BASH BACK
it’s a movement of preservation
and mutiny of celebration
against those whose concentration
is hetero-normity
your body is a weapon
to be used at your discretion
but so are bats and pool cues
WHEN QUEERS BASH BACK
fists aren’t just for penetratin’
whips aren’t just for copulatin’
speaking of cops it’s pretty blatant
that they’ll be hearing from us too
stone wall was a riot
and i just don’t buy it
when someone tells me that anger’s
not an appropriate way to react
true it’s love i’d rather be makin’
but lives have been taken
no more queers in gutters, gauntlets, gallows
bleeding, raped, or slashed
arm "
Song: Queers Bash Back!
Artist: Adhamh Roland
Album: Youre Alive
pacifism’s over-rated
vigils aren’t creative
and conflicts are escalatin’
in every school and home and state
and if you’re queer than you are hated
at least daily berated
in a system created
for those well assimilated
not for the liberated
the freaks, queers, or agitated
who are subject to assault
murder, ridicule, and rape
and if we want this shit to change
than survival’s our first tactic
OUT OF THE CLOSETS, INTO THE STREETS
QUEERS BASH BACK
it’s a movement of preservation
and mutiny of celebration
against those whose concentration
is hetero-normity
your body is a weapon
to be used at your discretion
but so are bats and pool cues
WHEN QUEERS BASH BACK
fists aren’t just for penetratin’
whips aren’t just for copulatin’
speaking of cops it’s pretty blatant
that they’ll be hearing from us too
stone wall was a riot
and i just don’t buy it
when someone tells me that anger’s
not an appropriate way to react
true it’s love i’d rather be makin’
but lives have been taken
no more queers in gutters, gauntlets, gallows
bleeding, raped, or slashed
arm "
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
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